If you like chain stores, chain restaurants, chain stores that are attached to chain restaurants which are attached to giant malls which contain more chain restaurants and chain stores, do yourself a favor and don't come here. There is no such thing as "independent" here. The only independence you will feel here is that feeling of loneliness created through the cold, hard stares you will get from the locals here.
It's the kind of loneliness you feel when you, alone, arrive in a foreign country, say, the Sudan. Except, things aren't color-coded here. No, your potential isn't some muslim who has an axe to grind with Westerners, but a pale, icy, slow-witted slug who probably looks like Bill Macy, Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Though I am white, he or she - who looks like Bill Macy or Phillip Seymour Hoffman - is whiter. Colder. Colder and whiter from brutal winters and lack of any and all stimuli, or something outside of the (Big) box. Stores, that is.
Recently, Minnesota was named the "Most Hipster State" in the country. I'm not sure what that means. But after being here since October, I can tell you that is hardly the case. Sure, you will see lots of people on bikes. Sure, you will see lots of people on bikes at all times of the year. And surely, you will see lots of people on lots of different bikes in lots of different types of weather, throughout the year. But go through any area of this country with a lot of small, "liberal arts" types of colleges, and the pseudo-intellectuals many of them attract, and you will find this. Think Berkeley, or all of the out-lying areas of school-centric Boston, and you will find these types.
But the hard and cold truth is that neither Minneapolis or St. Paul does not have these types. No, what they have are wannabees. What they have in Minneapolis and St. Paul are people trying way too hard to achieve an aesthetic that has already run its course. Why, there are many parallels between the words "hipster" and "douche-bag." Very easy labels to pin on someone. In fact, they are almost too easy.
So let's get past the bikes, and deal with cold hard facts. What do Minneapolis and St. Paul have that qualify them as cultural meccas? Um, outside of nothing, three music clubs (Triple Rock, Cedar Cultural Center and Turf Club - say, yall here Lady GooGa was there last Summer, hyuck hyuck), there is absolutely no music scene. Bands don't really stop here. And believe me, I recognize this irony, but the band Chicago recently sold out here.
"Oh, but Soul Asylum and Prince are from here!"
That's great. But I'd rather you tell me why Prince left for so long, and where Soul Asylum is, other than playing shows in and around your beloved TCs! No, wait, what I would like to here about is the band Low! But of course I won't, because most of you local yuksters probably never heard of them.
So what else??? Amy Adams lived here for a while? Great talent, beautiful girl and filled with charm. But, is this really all you have? I've already told you how much I love Franken, the Coens and the Replacements, but, maybe you could follow their lead and get out for a change of scenery. You might actually find yourselves living in a multi-cultural world where there are more people to hate than Somalians and Hmongs.
"Hey, yaaaah, let's go to the mall Sven."
"I already toldja Sufjan, I don't go to MOA, now. It's all the tourist. Yaah."
"Yaah, you betcha. Eden Prairie then?"
"Yaaaaah."
Of course, I jest. But you cold, humorless people would hardly get that. You're too busy with your phony, Minnesota Nice.
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