Santorum delivers Minnesota!

Enough said.  What a state full of assholes!

Vincent Kartheiser, another smug, bragging, Minnesotan

More bragging, Minnesota-style.  This time, it's one of the few people to leave the state, that smug little twirp Vinnie Kartheiser of Mad Men fame. *Note:  he's also a smug little twirp on the show.   (These are some snippets from some interview he gave here locally on TV in March).

“Because if you’re from Minnesota, you get used to running into people from Minnesota — at least in our industry, you do. All of my friends out here, except a few, are from Minnesota.

There it is.  Even when you Minnesotans leave home, all you do is flock to one another.

"You know, in the music industry, there’s a lot of Minnesotans,” he said.

More bragging.  Why not just say "you know, in Minnesota, existence came to exist.  Along with Music.  And space travel."

“You asked me why I love Minnesota and I think we just create doers."

Like the Twins?  Sorry, I couldn't resist.  But seriously, you think I make this shit up?  Well, here it is, in print.  "Minnesotans are a doing bunch."

"We kind of have a community of people who like to get off their asses and go do stuff. I don’t know if that’s only because there’s, like, three months of the year that you can get off your ass and actually do something? It’s like, ‘Oh my gosh, we can leave the house!’”

A little redundant, I know, but I wanted to include the "oh my gosh."  This is the Gopher Gold where stereotypes come from.  Yes, you, the "most-educated folk" in the nation are nothing more than a bunch of yokels.

“Many, many people I know from Minnesota have great careers out here and I’m constantly running into people from Minnesota. So, I wasn’t surprised and I’m never really surprised. I think it might also have something to do with the fact that we breed a lot and we tend to leave Minnesota, too,” he continued.

Wrong.  Some of you tend to leave Minnesota.  But very few of you do.  In fact, the statistics I've seen suggest that 93% of the people who live in Minnesota stay in Minnesota, so, you're not exactly exporting yourselves like toys from China.  It's also worth noting that for the most "educated state" in the union, your wages aren't competitive with other metropolitan areas.  And just because you have so many colleges doesn't mean that the schools are good, or even competitive outside of Minnesota.  Maybe you have too many colleges, thereby cheapening the value of the college degree? 

Food for thought...

Happy Punch a Minnesotan Day!

The shutdown is over.  The heat index is supposed to read 119.  And you, dear transplant, must fulfill your civic duty of going out and annoying as many Minnesotans as you can today!

Punch a Minnesotan Day

Transplanted to hell?  Tired of dealing with the boorish behaviors exhibited by Minnesotans? Well then, join me for PUNCH-A-MINNESOTAN DAY 2011. 

Now, of course I don't mean that we will literally punch a Minnesotan, that wouldn't be "nice."  (Unless, of course, they're asking for it.  But of course, that means, they would have to ask for it, which isn't something that Minnesotans know how to say without resorting to their passive-aggressive standbys of:  hanging up on you, giving you the silent treatment, talk to you while looking down...You get the drift.  I guess I'm digressing, I guess?)

So how does one punch a Minnesotan without resorting to violence?

Here are some suggestions:

-Tailgaiting them
-Saying you're welcome to a Target cashier before he/she even has the chance to not say "thank you" to you
-Bragging about your city
-Ask them about how they really feel about the Somalians and Hmongs here
-Tell them you can't believe they'll never leave here, even to go to the Wisconsin Dells

Again, these are just some suggestions - there are no hard and fast rules.  So join me this Wednesday, July 20, 2011 for Punch a Minnesotan Day!  You'll be glad you did!

Ask any Minnesotan and they will tell you that this is "The Greatest State in the Union"

Whether you're scrolling through Citypages, reading through what passes for culture in VitaMN, or browsing comments on the ST messageboards, Minnesotans sure love to brag about their fine state.

"We Minnesotans" is the most common thing you will ever hear out of one of these galoots.  (Oh, Gosh, I must be here too long if things like "galoot" are working their way into my vernacular).  Anyway, most (but not all) Minnesotans are a bragging bunch.  They brag about being the birthplace of Target, Best Buy, 3M, Garrison Keilor, Caribou Coffee and the like. 

Unfortunately, if you were to listen to a Minnesotan for more than a day - as I do every day - you might think that Minnesota invented:

-Modern Sport
-Cures for each and every disease that has killed a man, woman or child since Ganghis Kahn
-The notion that the world is round
-The Atom Bomb
-The elbow straw
-Video tele-conferencing

Truth is, Minnesota has made some contributions to the World at large, but none of us outsiders need to hear about it every stinking minute of the day.  You know the saying, "act like you been there before?"  Kind of applies in this instance, dontchaknow? 

I swear, after hearing all of your drivel, I feel like I'm in a frathouse talking to that guy who brags about being able to suck his own dork.  The novelty has long since worn off, and in the end, I'm trapped in this room with a man who can't really see that fellating his own peni really ain't that cool.  Then again, your techniques for fellating thyself bring new meaning to the phrase "Minnesotans suck."

Minnesota Drivers: shit, shitty, shittier, confrontational until you confront them

As anyone who has ever driven in a civilized city will tell you, Minnesota drivers suck.  I mean, it's not just me saying this.  I will agree with those that say their infrastructure does not serve them well, but what really doesn't is their ignorant, arrogant, me-first attitude that leads to the delusions of grandeur that they - the average Minnesotan - are more important than you.  (See:  Minnesota drivers, tailgating)

But what happens when they come running into your lane, nearly slamming into your car, and you give them a courteous honk?  They flip you off.  They continue on into your lane, but continue to flip you off.  So you go ahead and honk your horn again, to let them know that they are in the wrong, maybe cause an accident, maybe put you into the hospital.  So what you do is, you keep honking.  I know, "that's rude."  But they keep flipping you off.  And what happens but, you are next to them at a stoplight, and you are parallel with them and, you roll your window down and, suddenly, the alien-robot hick-yuck Minnesotan dude with the goatee (how 90s of you, Minnesotan, don't you know that Mustaches are back?) looks dead ahead, as you give him a yell, ask him what the problem is, that he might have killed you, but...He.  Looks.  Dead.  Ahead.

And so the passive-aggressive pussy continues staring dead ahead, and the light turns green and you go.  He goes.  I go.  He gets behind me to go.  But he then picks up his cellphone and immediately know that he is calling the police on you for the rude behavior you've exhibited in actually calling him out for being such a horrendous driver.

In Chicago, kids are killed by bullets in gang-ridden neighborhoods.  In Minnesota, children are murdered by passive-aggressive yokels being aggressive only behind the wheel (until confronted), then do their best to whisper behind your back in the form of a call to the police.  Well, asshole, they never got me.  But I'm sure they have an APB out on all confrontational Illinoisans who call you out on your shitty driving.

Oh well, all is well in the world of Minnesota Nice, "doncha know?"

Minnesota, the only place where police are passive-aggressive

I am the most pro-police person you will ever meet.  I really am.  But the police in Minnesota are some of the most passive-aggressive pussies you will ever meet.  Truth be told, I have gotten two tickets since I've been here, but in that same truth, let it be known, each and every incident seemed like something out of a movie - like a colored-guy getting pulled over in the Jim Crowe South, circa, well, the Jim Crowe era.

On the first occassion, I was driving through the airport.  (Yes, you loyal-Minnesotan shitfucks, I now know that they are tough on everyone).  But I was literally dropping someone off, on my second day here.  Oh yee Royal-Mounteed Fuckwad pulls me over as I am nearing the terminal.  He does not say what I did, only asks to see my license and POI.  Suffice it to say, I didn't know what I did wrong until he handed me the ticket.  I was speeding.  Okay, I was with someone on my second day in the good old Twins-Marry-Each-Other-Cities, and I didn't know any better.  Was I speeding?  Quite possibly.  But the pussy-ass cop with the big bad-ass POLICE just went to his car and wrote up his ticket.  No eye-contact.  No explanation.  Ahh, Minnesota Nice!

On the second occassion, I was driving alongside of 494 in one of the suburbs.  In this instance, I know for a fact I wasn't speeding.  How?  Because in this hick-ridden state, I drive under the speed limit by five or so miles per hour (even though every asshole hick in an extended-cab rides my ass), just to avoid being pulled over.  Also in this instance, I never actually passed the cop - I didn't "break his plane."  But just as I was about to ride past him, he throws his siren on and pulls me over.  Again, same fucking thing.  The pussy-ass "crime-fighter" asks for my license.  (Wait, he didn't ask me for my insurance??)  So of course, he makes no eye contact, goes back to his little police mobile and I wait.  He comes back and hands me the ticket.  When I ask him what it was for, he says "Mr. BLANK, do you know how fast you were going?"  "Um, yes, I do.  30 MPH."  "You were going 51 in a 35."  When I started asking him how that was possible, he continued to look down.  I then hit him with the whole "officer, half of my friends and family back home are cops."  He sheepishly interrupted, "so you know."  "Yeah, I know.  I know what it's like to be someone who actually fights criminals, not fabricate shit like this."

Of course, this slack-jawed yokel had no response, other than to say "best you slow down."  And of course, I was livid.  But the pussy did nothing.  This passive-aggressive MSP suburban cop did nothing.  Instead, he walked back to his car, and got into his car.  At the stoplight, we were parallel.  I stared at him.  He would not look up.  Fucking pussy.

So, I have a few questions:  why don't they speak to you, instead of at the ground?  Is it because they were pulling a fast one and didn't expect to be called-out on it?  Kind of seems that way.  And that's kind of the way people are here.  They try and pull things on you because they don't think you'll call them on it.  And what happens when you do?  Their passive-aggressive asses curl-up in a ball, then go motherfuck you to someone who also views you as a foreign-invader.

All police in Minnesota can go fuck yourselves.  Okay, I'd like to lighten-up on that stance, because I do realize that there are cops out here that aren't cowardly weasels (and I salute you).  But all of you other cops up here, you can take a cue from my beloved Chicago Police Department.  You don't fight crime, you write bogus tickets.  So suckit.  Rednecks!